My skin is flaring as I write this. It’s been a long day, longer than I’m used to lately, and a bit exhausting mentally and physically considering the last few weeks as well. My arms are splotchy red and white, my thighs prickle, my right hip has been screaming at me for the last week, somewhere in my hamstring is a muscle that I can’t get to myself and is letting me know it did not appreciate all the yard work the week before, and one long red line cuts across my stomach where I scratched myself. Time to trim my nails again.

I’m not used to that part. My nails have been short for years. I’d file them every other day while working. Now I’m not so I don’t. Until they get to where I cause my own self pain.

I’m aware I’m flaring as a defense mechanism. I mean, I have a diagnosis that falls into a weird immune system response issue, which I’ve both had my whole life apparently, and made worse in the last year. That it was diagnosed a week before self-isolation and quarantine and fears for coronavirus began in March means I am one of those in the “at risk” category. Yay. 🙁

The last two months in self-isolation have given me time to learn about the meds and my diet and how my body responds to certain stimuli. I’ve managed to drop from 16 pills a day to 6, with one as a standby if the flare gets really crazy painful again. Go me.

Yet. Why? Why is my body doing this? What is my body trying to protect me from to act this way? Why does it choose to unleash an attack on myself when I feel stressed or anxious or eat something that may trigger it as well?

I don’t fully know.

I’ve been having a lot of conversations with my body. Telling it that it’s okay. That taking a shower should not be a traumatic event, I like water, calm the fuck down. That eating this one thing is tasty and nutritious, it’s actually good for me.

But, I’m pushing myself to do some things that have been scary before. I realize that’s part of why it’s trying to do this, to attack the unknown. My immune system is trying to protect me from myself, the new business plans or ventures that didn’t seem to work out before. The dealing with other people who may not be receptive to what I offer. The stress of job-hunting and working during a pandemic with people being both mean to each other and nice to each other out there.

What my body doesn’t realize is that I’m going to do the hard things anyway, so it better deal with it and calm down.